Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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