$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
organizing the empties. That sober.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
