The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
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