If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
