Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
