I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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