so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize