i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
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