We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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