oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I should be sponsored by Trojan
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
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