Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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