It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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