sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
I intend to get homeless drunk
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Randomize
