I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
