somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
