Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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