Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
