my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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