I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
