just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
