All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Randomize
