Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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