You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
i think i just lost a toe
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Randomize
