My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Randomize
