Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
