I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
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