The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
