My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
