Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
