Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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