I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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