I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
