you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
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