If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
