3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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