she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
