I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
