I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
