White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
