I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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