Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
