You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Randomize
