Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Success! We fucked roommates!
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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