I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
