You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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