Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
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