Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
I just found puke in my bra..
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Randomize
