And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
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