Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Randomize
