so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
it's not cheating when I paid for it
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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