I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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